But....! This Night Has Only Just Begun

I want to write something,
BUT
Whenever I make a good start, I lose enthusiam for it.

I want to be an artist,
BUT
Let's face it, there are so many others with the same dream, and most of them are better.

Last night, I knew what to say,
BUT
You weren't there to hear it.

I try to play it strong,
BUT
I cry everytime it hurts.

You say you love me,
BUT
That could mean everything or nothing.

We may never truly know who we are,
BUT
We sure as hell can try.

Let's find ourselves together.

You're So Gay

And you don't even like boys.

But you love to break my heart. Even the silly stone one I gave you.

Tear it apart.
Rip it to shreds.
Stomp all over it.
Leave it in the dust.

Because you're so good at that. Forgetting.

If Ignorance is Bliss...

Then why aren't there more happy people?

Day 9:

There are a lot of French people about, which makes this trip all the more interesting.

A cute moment:      I was waiting in line to purchase a bottle of water behind a group of French chicks buying mugs. They paused when the price was 14.95 instead of the 12.99 listed on the mug. The man at the cash register then had to describe to them that us "silly American's" have a "bothersome" thing called "sale's tax". They then paused again before nodding and saying with their heavy accents, "Oh, yes, silly America."

I jumped off a bridge today, which was made especially creepy by the fish I noticed in the water in mid-air. The water was cold, like ice, and I shivered as I swam to shore. The cool thing about summer here is that its always warm out, despite the sun having nearly set. I was warmed by the air, no need for a towel. After the air had warmed and dried me, however, the mosquitoes began their feast. At which point, we decided to GTFO...

Pizza Night. A great way to finish off a, dare I say, pretty cool day.
Goodnight =]

Until Then... 23rd.

I'll be missing you but I know I will see you soon. So for now, I'll be counting down the days...

Day 10: Tuesday, July 13.

We hiked the mist trail today, it was nice to get out of this campsite. First time in Yosemite for the week. We're here 'til Friday, next is Mammoth. This place is beautiful, and for a moment I was captivated. That is, until my mom began ranting again about how absent-minded my brother can be, and then of course my dad had to butt in because his reading had been disturbed and began shouting at the both of them.
I suppose this trip I should spend time enjoying nature, being myself, albeit by myself, and having fun with what I have. But all the same, I can't seem to hide the fact I just want to be back in your arms at home.
For now, I have that to look forward to...

I love you, Aishishi! ;)

PS: I'm sorry for the things I say when I'm angry or confused.

PPS: I miss your voice.

<3 Hikuro

Let December Glow in Flames

there Is something about the way "Happy independence day!" just doesn't click. At this rate, i will never have the courage To stand on my own. why do i cling so vigorously to doubt? Even the trees moan in their distress. You don't notice the way my heart aches. i've lost the hope to care. the will to dream, Of Underland and what not. these words i capitalize with passion.

A Pebble in the Water Makes a Ripple Affect

If you wade around forever you will surely drown.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end,
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Dedicated to my bff Zo.

I Dare You to Say They Taste the Same

I'm more than just and option.
I'm not a chance but the heat in your pants.
So follow me down, out of this town.
Boy, your moving way too slow.

Sugar, We're Going Down

I hate. People hate. Me.

Ignorance is bliss until you lose all you have.
And you know, we're so close to that point.
It makes me sick to think now to have
Thought we had something.

I should've known from the beginning,
How impossible it was to talk when,
The only one you think about is yourself.
I should've known that this would happen.

It gets to the point where I break down,
And beg you to say something but,
You don't and I'm left here alone in this,
Madness of mine.

I don't know who to go to anymore,
But if I know one thing, I know it isn't you.
The vodka's run out and I can see now,
You were never there for me.

Your cut was deep, but take a look at these scars,
I'm used to the pain, you can't hurt me.
Not now, not anymore, not ever again.
Because this is goodbye.

What I'm Trying to Say is What I'm Wanting to Say Without Having to Say...

I Love You. <3


Counting      The      Days          'til          My     Heart     Stops      .    .     .

 -^-v--^-v--^-v--^-v----^-v-----^-v-----^-v---------^-v-----^-v-^------ -----------------------------------------------------------------------


I blew it, and if I knew what to do then I'd do it.

I kissed a friend of mine, on accident,
Not to mention it was her first.
How can I say I'm sorry when I'm not?
How can I say it's right when it's wrong?


I snapped without reason to him,
He sat and heard me out.
I cried out of frustration and pain that,
Was brought upon myself, by myself.

I stare at an empty pill bottle,
Thinking of all the friendships I have made,
And all the fall-outs that were my fault.
I have no one to blame but myself for my loneliness.


"This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
It's not so pleasant.
And it's not so conventional
It sure as hell ain't normal
But we deal, we deal"
-Panic! at the Disco

You're gonna lose that girl.

She sits upon the couch where he left her alone. He stormed off when she told him truthfully that she wasn't in the mood. She is reading. A call comes from the bedroom, where her boyfriend lay watching television. "Get some dinner cooking!"

You're gonna lose that girl.

She sighs and stands. He's not in all that bad a mood.

If you don't treat her right, my friend, you're gonna find her gone.

She walks into the kitchen and realizes it's far past due for a cleaning. "I thought you said you were going to clean the kitchen, dear?" she says, unsure, in that soft voice of hers. Even above the buzz of the television he hears her groan.
"The cleaning and cooking is you're job remember?" he shouts.

If you don't take her out tonight, she's gonna change her mind.

She carefully avoid the spilled milk on the floor and heads for the bedroom. Upon reaching the door, she carefully begins to turn the knob, stops, and then decides against it. Best not risk it. "What would you like for dinner, honey?" No answer. She enters the room cautiously only to find him caught up in a video game.

And I will take her out and I will treat her kind.

 She asks again and he waves it off, mumbling something or other. And she leaves. Shuts the door, grabs her bag, down the hall and out on to the streets.

The way you treat her, what else can I do?

This is how I feel, without being direct

There is a breeze that blows the door open,
But does not shake the trees.
Tendrils of a venomous miasma escape into the night.
Perilous thoughts that make them wonder,
And the palpitations that make their hearts bleed.
The eyes, they carry so much sorrow until it falls in tears.
Water that replenishes the soul,
Turning it from black, to blue, to green.
Windows shatter and fragments fall,
Piercing what we love the most.
Pain that makes a masochist wish he couldn't feel at all.
A hunger rises that makes you wonder how you're still alive.
It stabs at your soul and you cry,
Why hasn't your heart given up?

Cerulean

Art is My Passion

                                 I am an artist.                              

                          I see the world 

from a different perspective.                         

                               Art is an expression

 of one's soul,                                 

                                     Desires, thoughts,

ideals, and creativity.                                  

                                     Art expresses who you are,

and how you feel,                                    

                                 When words cannot.                                   

A Deeper Meaning

I want to dye my hair white. Silvery white, with a layer of gentle purple underneath. My hair is currently light brown. Nothing special, most people have that color. My hair is naturally curly but I straighten it.

I guess you could say it's true that people with straight hair long for curls while people who have those curls long for hair that is straight. I want waves.

I guess maybe it's just human nature.... To always want more, to not be satisfied with only what you have.

Where I Want to Be

It's like I'm sitting on a wall. On one side is a seemingly endless chasm, but in front of me lies a field of flowers in full bloom. If I were to let the wind carry me where it willed then surely I would tumble backwards. But instead of being a leaf in the breeze, I am trying to make it to that meadow. To the place where roses grow without thorns. To a place where I am never left forgotten, or to be ignored. Somewhere over that rainbow there, where people actually give a care. Where he is, always there for me, to comfort me and keep me warm.

That is where I want to be.

A Lyrical Compilation

Lightning strikes inside my heart to keep me up at night.
I get a little tired, looking through the trees.
Sitting on the 405, hoping for a breeze.
Everboy's gone and they've got something to see.
I've gotta sell this ticket, get the shadow off of me.
So what is your problem?
You need to find a mountain top, get out of this town.

All around me are familiar faces.
Worn-out places, worn-out faces.
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going no where. Going nowhere.

Please, I know that we're different,
But we were one cell in the sea in the beginning.
So what we're made of, was all the same once.
We're not that different after all...

Talk to me, I'm throwing myself in front of you.
This could be the last mistake I would ever wanna do.
All I ever do is give, it's time you see my point of view.
I'm picking up the pieces,
Pulling my heart back together.

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep--
I let you get the best of me.

"I'm Sorry."
I don't care!
You were never there...

Shadows fill an empty heart as love is fading.
For all the things that we are, and are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars and into the dawn?

Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just some sleep.
I've got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it in my dreams.
I'm looking down every alley,
I'm making those desperate calls.
I'm staying up all night hoping,
Hitting my head against the wall.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world...

Say it's true, or everything that matters breaks in two.
Say it's true, I'll never ask for anyone but you.

Colors

This Is the World That We Live In

Sometimes the world falls to shambles,

The world that we all know.

Routine.

Day after day it's the same old thing.

We rush around as if the things we do... matter.

But sometimes, and it is quite common,

We can't seem to find the motivation.

Sometimes it's like I can't breathe, or don't want to.

Things just happen; and it's always the same.

I don't want to do this anymore.

It's when i stop to take the time to notice,


That this isn't what I want.

Or is it?

I often find myself debating whether or not I'm happy with my life.

I have attempted suicide once in my life.

I have spent countless moments, hours, days, months,

Contemplating it.

Thoughts begin to proceed to action,

I become more and more dependent upon these medications.

But I guess it's true, what they say,

The most unbearable thing you will find in this world,

Is that nothing is unbearable.

And what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

I see truth in this.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that...

I am both happy and sad,

And I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I don't know what it is that I want,

But I know enough to see that...

Whatever it is, I want to be with you.

----(*)----

I came up with a riddle today. Maybe it's silly but see if you can get this:

I am believed to be a doorway of sorts,
I vary in color,
But range little in size.
There are many of me,
And we exchange contact every day.
(Sadness turns me on.)
What am I?

Phenomenom-nom

It's now the end of March. It seems like it went by so fast while, simultaneously, it feels as if yesterday it'd just begun. Last April... I did something terrible. Out of rage and pent-up anger, I demolished and broke several mirrors and windows of the school I then attended--not that they caught me throughout the duration of my education there--as well as the church not far away. My friend confessed for the sake of her own conscience--I, on the other hand, don't have one. This unfortunately meant that I was dragged down with her.
There had been a cop who had chased us the night of our crime. In the report were listed two girls. There were several accusations made before they eventually found us six months later...
I've been on probation since October 10th. I get only a year, it being a first offense. The restitution is over $2,700, and that's my half to pay. I have $700 in savings... but... otherwise I've gathered nothing. I will be working hard over the summer.

On to a brighter subject: Art.
Recently my school did a play called Seussical the Musical. In my art class we drew Seuss-inspired pieces and wrote poems to go along with them...

A different He inspired this one...

Admiration of the Sky and Sea
----
Escaping castle ruins to her freedom,
She flows without restraint, glistens of diamonds.
In the evening sky, a setting sun overlooks his kingdom,
Once a home of glory to thousands.

With care she winds her way through the valley,
In adoration he casts pink hues upon a veil of clouds.
She will never leave, and he will always return.
In his absence he casts a starlit sky for her to sing to.
-----

Ugh, intense exhaustion. I sleep now.



Mood: Sleepy, Content

Valentine's Day.

I am a hopeless romantic, to be quite honest.

His socks are warm, cozy. I am in them now. He has big feet. Amazingly enough, Converse fit him very well. I find it so cute, too, how he wears his shoes. One lace is pink. He has a certain fondness for that color.

Like the color of the human heart... or a rose. For Valentine's Day, I received a white rose. It is my favorite flower, as well as Rose being my middle name. Along with it came poems upon red sheets of folded paper cranes. Amongst these were the words 'I Love You' written in every which way.

Put simply, my heart took flight. To a more extensive articulacy, my lips formed an irrevocable upturned curvature, my arms, like wings, bringing in a neck to rapture. I could feel our hearts beat in perfect synchronization.

My first taste of love in a way such as this, and I must say, it is a delicacy. That does not mean I am not wary, or...

Perhaps it does. As I said, I'm pretty hopeless.

--(*)--

On top of it being Valentine's Day AND the Chinese New Year(Tiger, by the way. Rawr.) it's President's Day weekend.

I'm sick. As in, the-temporary-goddamn-flu-but-I-can't-snowboard-so-fuck-it-all. So instead of being out in the snow, aHem, I've been at home this weekend. Four day weekend, mind you. Yes, I am in highschool.

I am saddened by this illness, seeing as it has caused me great weariness. Yawn. I sneeze in the face of slumber, before it overtakes me.